Will Smith wants to be President of the United States and I’d bet anything it will happen…just think, if people were dumb enough to believe the bullshit Barack Obama spouted during his campaign those same people probably believe that Will Smith has single handedly saved our planet from aliens on more than one occaision.

All hail President Smith and VP Jazzy Jeff!

• Wake up and immediately vomit. - CHECK
• Look in the mirror to find my face covered in dried blood. - CHECK
• Severe pain behind eyes caused by even the dimmest light. - CHECK
• Inability to walk the dog without sitting down to rest. - CHECK
• Raging headache that doesn’t go away even with the use of high powered pain meds. - CHECK
• Inability to successfully dial 911 due to shaking hands. - CHECK
• Live tiger in bathroom. - NOPE (This is real life people and it’s not fucking funny.)

If you swear you want to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, but you’re strategy for doing so is something besides telling troops:

“OK fellas, feel free to ask. And, if you so choose, feel free to tell as well.”

Oh, by the way, if you think our troops will be completely out of Iraq by August then I would love to know how you are managing to read this website with your head so far up your own ass.

Former NBA guard Stephon Marbury has decided to join the Shanxi Club of the Chinese Basketball Association when reached for comment regarding the deal Steph said:

“I tried to sign with some other international teams like in Italy and Spain and Europe and Germany, but it turns out they had all read stories about how I hate coaches and passing and practice. But I guess they censor the press in China and since all articles written about me include at least one person calling me an “asshole” they couldn’t print any of them over there. Anyway, I am really excited to play there. I love Chinese food and I love electronics. Plus, I’ll be able visit the sweatshops where they make my shoes. Now, if you don’t mind I’ve gotta get going, I’m going live on uStream in 10 minutes where I’m going to dress up a live chicken like Mike D’Antoni and then bite its head off and cover my face in it’s blood. Peace to all my slant eyed fans in China, I’ll see all yall rice eaters soon. Word Aaaap!

For video and more basketball news check out Bob Cousy’s Lisp.

Literally my favorite thing to do in life is put the words “Police” & “Fail” into YouTube and enjoy the results. Here are a few of my latest favorites.

“It jumped out of gear”…Yeah, because cars do that.

“That was one of your boys“…ah rookie cops, like regular cops except somehow even dumber.

“Car 52 to dispatch we seem to have lost him”…

1. Because you call me before noon.
2. Because you leave me voicemails saying “Hey it’s me.”
3. Because you leave me voicemails asking that I call you back, but you don’t say what you want.
4. Because you leave me voicemails.
5. Because you say “I could care less.”
6. Because you say “supposebly”.
7. Because you think bacon is just for breakfast.
8. Because you think I care about your birthday.
9. Because you think I care about my birthday.
10. Because you think I care what you think.
11. Because you can’t see I don’t care what you think.
12. Because you think anyone would care what you think.
13. Because you voted for Obama.
14. Because you still support Obama.
15. Because you think FOX News is the only channel that’s biased.
16. Because you watch Jersey Shore.
17. Because you watch the Hills.
18. Because you watch the Kardashians.
19. Because you watch American Idol.
20. Because you watch 30 Rock.
21. Because you saw Twilight.
22. Because you saw New Moon.
23. Because you read the books that Twilight was based on.
24. Because you believe in God.
25. Because you believe in luck.
26. Because you tell me I need to hear your new favorite band.
27. Because you tell me I need to go to your new favorite restaurant.
28. Because you tell me I need to see your new favorite movie.
29. Because you say “Can I ask you a question?” before you ask me a question.
30. Because you tell me about your job.
31. Because you don’t hate Oprah.
32. Because you don’t hate Leno.
33. Because you don’t hate Ellen.
34. Because you don’t hate you.
35. Because you think you’re a good driver.
36. Because you send me Evites.
37. Because you’re offended by the word cock.
38. Because you’re offended by the word cunt.
39. Because you’re not offended by the word fiancee.
40. Because you ask me to be in your wedding party, but expect me to pay for my own tuxedo.
41. Because you talk to me while you look at your phone and text.
42. Because you don’t know the difference between exercise and athletics.
43. Because you don’t realize sometimes silence is OK.
44. Because you don’t finish the drink I just bought you.
45. Because you pretend to be happy.
46. Because you’re all: “You said 100 Reasons and that’s only 46.”

If that’s what you’re looking for in a blog, well than I’ve got good news for you. I recently started a basketball blog. It’s called Bob Cousy’s Lisp and if you like the kind of stuff you find here at JoePraino.com, but also love the NBA than I highly recommend you check it out.

Here’s some video of a D.C. police officer who pulls his gun on a crowd after his Hummer, yes his Hummer, gets hit with a snowball.

In related news, on Friday night my girlfriend and I each got $100 tickets from two of the NYPD’s finest dreamkillers after sharing a swipe of my Metrocard. What’s my point? Simply that cops hate fun, they hate the holidays, they hate Santa Claus, they hate Jesus and God, they hate happiness, they hate peace, they hate you and they definitely hate me. I’m sure there is a few good cops out there in the world, just like there are a few Hollywood actors over 5′7″, but as a general rule if you see a cop looking at you it’s because he (or god forbid she) is trying to figure out how to ruin your day.

Start the countdown on this being pulled from Hulu. I say 48 hours tops.

UPDATE: 48 hours? I don’t think that video was still up 48 minutes later.

If Nike is still sponsoring Tiger Woods…

But Tiger Woods isn’t playing golf anymore…

Then what exactly are they sponsoring?

I ask because if man-whoring and an addiction to painkillers is worthy of a Nike sponsorship than I think it’s about time they call me about developing my signature shoe.